![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[IC day 191]
Nov. 13th, 2010 01:29 pmShe blinked slowly, coming into some sense of awareness. It was like waking except she hadn't been asleep. Sleep had eluded her for weeks now. This was just a subtle rise to consciousness and the silence in the blackness of the cave. She had come to recognize it as a waking, even though she knew she hadn't slept. She wasn't rested nor was she tired. It was a numbing sensation that wore at the edges of her reality.
Empty inside and cold, she drew her cloak tightly around her shoulders. The world around her was quiet without being silent. Water occasionally dripped somewhere nearby. Tiny feet skittered and disappeared. The darkness was alive, though not with human activity.
Taking a deep breath that she didn't need, she looked down at the hands resting in her lap. She couldn't see them exactly, but she knew they were still attached. She was solid. She was here, but there was no movement when she didn't consciously move. No breath, no heartbeat, no life. She could and did force her lungs to expand, draw in the air to speak, but it wasn't necessary. It was just a semblance of life that she clung to.
Vaguely she wondered how long it had been, how many days. Had she moved past some invisible point where she couldn't feel the deaths or had they really stopped for now? She didn't know, and she felt she needed to. Her throat tightened at the thought. She didn't even know who it had been -- which teams, which friends, not even if it were her own teammates.
Get up.
Her mind whispered the command, but her body refused to answer. Her limbs felt leaden and detached.
Get up!
The darkness echoed with the quiet dripping of water. Tiny claws skittered on the walls. It mocked her, mocked the inability to move, to think, to function. A thin tread of anger coiled in her chest. This was not who she was, not who she wanted to be. It was who she had been. It was what she hated so much, acting like this, running away. This was the person she disliked so much. It boiled up suddenly and overflowed.
"I said get up!" The force of her words sent the cave into a hollow silence. "I am not weak! I am not helpless! I can do things here! I have done things! Even if I can't fight I can protect people! I don't have to be who I was! I am not useless!"
She caught her breath again, eyes wide and blinking in the darkness. "I... I don't want to be that person. I do want to change. I can change here... I can." She drifted into silence again thinking over the other changes -- the other self that she was shown. "I... I don't have to be like that. I-I don't think that's strong. I don't have to stop caring."
Falling silent again, she closed her hands loosely in her lap. As the stillness returned, so did the soft dripping of water. "I... I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to hurt people I care about. I... can be strong and still care. I can..."
She shifted then, looking around in the darkness. Right and left, there was no difference. No tell-tale signs, no glow of cavern or human voice raised from the distance. She didn't know how far she had run before she had stopped. She didn't know from which direction she had come. Slowly, carefully, she pushed herself to her feet, keeping one hand against the wall. She still felt detached, floaty and surreal, but something inside felt like it was working again, thawed from the pain of the deaths.
"I... need to go home..."
She looked over her shoulder into the darkness and then turned to the darkness ahead of her. Her hand rasped lightly against the stone wall of the cave as she started walking.
Empty inside and cold, she drew her cloak tightly around her shoulders. The world around her was quiet without being silent. Water occasionally dripped somewhere nearby. Tiny feet skittered and disappeared. The darkness was alive, though not with human activity.
Taking a deep breath that she didn't need, she looked down at the hands resting in her lap. She couldn't see them exactly, but she knew they were still attached. She was solid. She was here, but there was no movement when she didn't consciously move. No breath, no heartbeat, no life. She could and did force her lungs to expand, draw in the air to speak, but it wasn't necessary. It was just a semblance of life that she clung to.
Vaguely she wondered how long it had been, how many days. Had she moved past some invisible point where she couldn't feel the deaths or had they really stopped for now? She didn't know, and she felt she needed to. Her throat tightened at the thought. She didn't even know who it had been -- which teams, which friends, not even if it were her own teammates.
Get up.
Her mind whispered the command, but her body refused to answer. Her limbs felt leaden and detached.
Get up!
The darkness echoed with the quiet dripping of water. Tiny claws skittered on the walls. It mocked her, mocked the inability to move, to think, to function. A thin tread of anger coiled in her chest. This was not who she was, not who she wanted to be. It was who she had been. It was what she hated so much, acting like this, running away. This was the person she disliked so much. It boiled up suddenly and overflowed.
"I said get up!" The force of her words sent the cave into a hollow silence. "I am not weak! I am not helpless! I can do things here! I have done things! Even if I can't fight I can protect people! I don't have to be who I was! I am not useless!"
She caught her breath again, eyes wide and blinking in the darkness. "I... I don't want to be that person. I do want to change. I can change here... I can." She drifted into silence again thinking over the other changes -- the other self that she was shown. "I... I don't have to be like that. I-I don't think that's strong. I don't have to stop caring."
Falling silent again, she closed her hands loosely in her lap. As the stillness returned, so did the soft dripping of water. "I... I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to hurt people I care about. I... can be strong and still care. I can..."
She shifted then, looking around in the darkness. Right and left, there was no difference. No tell-tale signs, no glow of cavern or human voice raised from the distance. She didn't know how far she had run before she had stopped. She didn't know from which direction she had come. Slowly, carefully, she pushed herself to her feet, keeping one hand against the wall. She still felt detached, floaty and surreal, but something inside felt like it was working again, thawed from the pain of the deaths.
"I... need to go home..."
She looked over her shoulder into the darkness and then turned to the darkness ahead of her. Her hand rasped lightly against the stone wall of the cave as she started walking.
